When Mom was angry at me from the ages of 7 to 9, she’d say a phrase, 야메노새끼야. Yameno-seikiya. It means, “Yameno little bastard.” Yameno isn’t a Korean word as far as I can translate. A lot of her language was hangul, but some of it was different. Some from North Korea. Some from other […]
The shame I held for so long, that came from being a child who believed if something was wrong it was always my fault, goes beyond the feeling. When you have CPTSD, and it develops that young, it becomes neurological. It becomes biomechanical. It becomes part of how you see the world, and times of […]
I think my Mom and Dad both had levels of emotional immaturity, because of abuse and trauma they suffered as children. Mom’s was almost otherwordly. Dad’s was so ordinary and American that people still suffer the same things and think it’s normal. They both grew up around people who didn’t conceptualize mental health, and stigmatized […]
I learned to feel safe by caring for others. I couldn’t take feeling in danger, I hurt myself, and then I learned to find a space inside me where I felt safe even if there was no safety around me. I didn’t fully trust the safety at home, because I believed it would fall apart […]
My last memory of Israel is from nearly 20 years ago. The intifada had ceased roughly six months before, and there was a weary, hopeful peace. That’s what I felt. I went to a few places, including places I probably shouldn’t have gone. But the memory that sticks out is a falafel place on the […]
The last few days have been so ordinary, but with moments that feel symbolic and mystical. I’m investing the moments with meaning. But the meaning is there. Remembering Mom was born the year of the Ox. A picture I bought of a little boy in blue on an Ox is peeling off the wall. Three […]
Chilseok is a holiday celebrated on the seventh day of the seventh month of the lunar new year. This year, that falls on August 29th. Mom would sometimes think of my birthday as lucky and would sometimes do a few Chilseok things today. And there’s a folk tale associated with it. Long ago when tigers […]
Hey Mom. I miss you. I love you. I’m doing good. Jade and Lee and everyone is well. You should see Justin and Tommy. Bill is good, too. Jade is so pretty and good-hearted. I chose today to start the next chapter of my life. I’ve been trying to write that book about you. But […]
This is the fourth anniversary of Mom’s passing. I missed saying goodbye to her. I was 30 pounds in on what would be a nearly 80 pound weight gain journey, all of it driven by sadness and struggling with CPTSD. I was 310 pounds on the day Mom died. I learned to mark days like […]
When I saw this poster, it reminded me of something I saw at breakfast that felt like a cool metaphor. I saw a young lady at breakfast. She looked Korean, and she was maybe 6’ 0”, possibly 6’ 1” or taller. She looked awkward. When she sat down to eat, she was trying to make […]
It’s not about faith. Or belief. For me at least. It’s about acceptance. I don’t have faith in gravity. I don’t believe in gravity. That force exists whether I believe or have faith in it. I can use my rational, logical mind to conduct experiments, read scientific papers, to prove gravity to me, but there’s […]
Sometimes, the best that someone can do is attack someone vulnerable. Sometimes, we were the vulnerable target. Sometimes, my mom when she felt low went after me. It started the same way every time. She had a bad day. But I don’t mean normal disappointments. I mean BAD. Like, a fight with my dad or […]
I’m a very rational person, who’s experienced a lifetime of incredibly irrational things. I decided a few months ago to let myself see, enjoy, and be inspired by beautiful coincidences, my interpretation of Jungian synchronicity. I had some long talks with my therapist about it in our last sessions together. The fictional character I felt […]
The novel Shogun is an under-researched artifact, an impressive literary achievement that manages to be a 20th century version of late 19th century British obsessions with Japan as a fictional place; Shogun is a more-advanced version of The Mikado, with Japan as another planet, a place of the mysterious other, rooted mostly in the viewpoint […]
I had a weird dream last night again. I’m at someone’s house, and their living room is covered in these strange mayflies. Only, they’re some kind of white and pink hybrid between mayflies and mosquitos. They keep crawling towards me, but when I blow, they puff away. But they keep crawling. The walls, the carpet, […]
I continued work on a piece about why I’m making Thigments https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lWgr87_k7nT11VTN0_rPmJgfX5SARY4wJSV0-awpuy0/edit I’ve been chasing this rainbow since 1997 in my own way, in fits and starts. My hope was that in New York, I’d learn how media becomes successful. I’ve learned a lot here, not the least of which that, strangely, I fit in […]