I was at a sleepover for the first time, at Kerry Niesen’s house, decades ago. We’d picked a movie and were having dinner, me, Kerry, Jenny Niesen, and Kerry’s parents Jim and Rita. It was the first memory I have of seeing a family talking and having fun with each other at dinner. I didn’t say a word about that, though. Just watched and ate and tried to be polite.
Rita suddenly started choking and xstood up from the table. I froze in place. I’ve never told anyone this, but I knew she was choking because of me choking myself to death a few years before. I knew what it looked like. How painful and scary it is. And I started to disassociate. I was having PTSD flashbacks while this happened, although I didn’t know that at the time. While I was flashing I remembered the promise I made to never talk about it, and I floated away and stared, frightened deep down and present and not at the same time, because by then, my brain already knew how to do that to try and protect me. Kerry ran out of the room, Jenny was screaming, and Jim leapt to his feet, gave Rita the heimlich maneuver, and she was saved.
My reaction was strange, and they didn’t know why. They asked me, and ribbed me gently, but I didn’t say a word about why. I got even more quiet after that. It was all such a contrast, and I was keeping secrets, so I just did what I did at home, kept it quiet, kept it to myself. I wish I would’ve hugged Jenny, and Kerry, and told them it was okay, but I didn’t. I was still hiding my empathy then. I wanted to, but I told myself I’d accidentally say something I shouldn’t if I did.
So I let these kids be scared, but also saw their Mom and Dad comfort them. I admired all of it, and didn’t say anything. Just kept my big thoughts and feelings shut, and kept my words to small talk.
Seeing this today with Trump and RFK brought that memory back. Except, this is the President and the Secretary of Health. One man frozen, but not disassociating, just, not caring. The other running from the room instead of even helping or ordering. Children running, screaming, and freezing I understand. But adults? One of whom is supposed to be focused on health? I don’t understand that at all.
I don’t know if I’ll ever write about this one, beyond this blog post, because, it’s not my story. Just a scary moment in a lifetime of scary moments I was witness to.
And the thing that still bothers me is that I sat there and floated away. But I don’t judge that kid or anyone for how they reacted.
Instead, I’m grateful I’m me, someone who knows CPR and the heimlich maneuver and who knew what to do last year when a man passed out on the subway.