I just realized something. I’ve been trying to have it all. I want to maintain my high standards, including for myself. But I’ve been clinging to an idea about my career, the idea of pivoting out of the media industry towards something more socially impactful. If I can do this, it’ll be a gift. I also want to maximize my potential and capabilities. This has to do with my healing journey; I’ve tended to take jobs that are below my skill level due to a poverty mindset. This is the same mindset that led me to an emergency room at the last possible lucky minute almost a month ago. Teaching myself a better way, to let go of that mindset, is quite literally about life or death. My job isn’t life or death, but it’s still important and an opportunity to practice skills like, “live up to your potential because you want to, not because you feel pressure to be perfect. Release self-sabotage and let yourself enjoy things. Think with an abundance mindset, release the scarcity mindset. Embrace your frugality by living fully.”
However, with the drama of the last month and the joys of Yale, I realized that my writing ambitions are more than just paper squares on a vision board. It’s still, after nearly 42 years, the focus of my life.
Writing is she, and I love her. Luckily she loves me, too. We don’t fight. I don’t hate her. I don’t call her ugly, or talk about wanting to throw up when we’re hanging out. We just play, and feel, and work together. She helps me express so many things. Some better than others. Some not so great. Some absolutely glorious works that I can’t believe I made. She loves me, and I love her.
Which now leads me to a realization. What would I be willing to sacrifice for her and my happiness? And I realize that I’d be willing to sacrifice performance, improv, acting, Brooklyn, New York City, and even my day job career ambitions for our happiness together. Poverty makes her miserable. Stress about work does, too. Seeing me down or not living up to my potential bums us both out.
But I’d be willing to work at Fox News for a while just to help us both out for a time.
She’s just a metaphor. But then again, so is every kind of love we express. Ideas can have mass and a shape.
Baby, we got good things cooking together. And I know you aren’t asking me to set aside my standards. But I’m going to, so that we can get to the next olace together. And while I’m doing that, we’re gonna keep working together on the stuff in front of us. Let’s finish those memoir sample pages and start getting them to people. Let’s finish the third draft on our novel.
I do want it all. But I’d let go of everything else so long as the two of us can keep on going together. So that’s what I’m going to do. Starting right now.