When I look back I have gratitude for everyone in my life. But last year, about a year ago, I concluded a big chapter in my life. Then a new story started for me, one I’ve been living in.
And what I’ve learned has been humbling and profound. I’ve invited a lot of folks into my life over the years who aren’t great for me – but who’ve helped me live in familiar patterns. Like, folks who throw cold water on me, constantly. So many people trying to convince me to give up on my dreams, too. Often said with love and fun and kindness as if their advice is for me. When it’s not. It’s sometimes a defense mechanism from that person. I do something that makes them feel small – and they unconsciously decide they need to do that back. My sister said it so simply – sometimes people are jealous. That never occurs to me. But I bring it into my life because it’s familiar.
I’m used to people telling me my idea is dumb, my dream is impossible, who get tired of my ambitions. I’m used to people rooting for me to fail. I’m used to folks who make it clear that their needs and ambitions are more important, and I say okay and remind myself I’m selfish for wanting to focus on myself.
In my improv class today, we did an exercise where we did whatever we want for 1 minute. I didn’t think. I just spoke. This is what I said.
I realized that a lot of people I thought of as dear friends aren’t. That while I remember and support the details of their lives, they can’t remember mine. And don’t bother. They disappear when I grow or do well. And then my mind has been blown by how many strangers are rooting for me. And I’m wondering why those folks aren’t my friends. And how many of them are now. I saw a man on the subway and he looked like the prototypical anime fan at my last company. And I told him that and made his day. Just the truth. That’s my tribe. The people who care about others and can say it outloud for no other reason than it makes someone’s day.
And now I know. That feeling of moving on is real. I’m walking into the next chapter of the story. This last one, the opening act, is ending. And there’s tests. Do I keep inviting people in who want me smaller so they can be bigger? People who drain me? Or is it time to finally do something different? I’ve had my fill of folks with their backhanded compliments and devil’s advocacy and their cowardly passive aggression. I don’t need to live there anymore.
My heart finally is free. Some people I’ve known for years are gonna be there with me in this next chapter. And some won’t. And it’s okay.
I don’t know what’s next. But I’m seeing the hints. And I’ve already noticed who’s got my back. I always have people’s backs. I always will.
A lot of strange and amazing things happened today. And it was the old places that I loved dearly that are my safe spaces, but too safe because I’m holding back and the people there are, too, and they don’t care if I’m there.
I’m excited and happy to see everyone in those familiar places and fhe new ones. But it’s mostly the people in the new spaces I’m walking into that are excited to see me, too.
I learned that one of the media companies that wants to interview me picked me out of about a thousand candidates. Because someone there heard me talk about democracy in an unsentimental and uncynical, hopeful, direct way. We had an incredible conversation about the fifth estate. I have no idea if I’ll get that job. But it was an incredible, meaningful, honest direct conversation.
And there’s so many people I know that wouldn’t give a shit about it. And who couldn’t and wouldn’t have had the conversation we had today.
And so I feel it. This change is real. I am different. I don’t need anymore evidence that I’m healed, integrated and my personality has shifted in a good way. I just know it.
I feel free. And so grateful for the clarity.