I write morning pages on my computer, and since 2015 on google drive. I started in 2003, introduced to this practice by my mentor in Seattle. I mostly did this on Microsoft Word, sometimes on plain text apps. The typing was because of the mindbody connection for me with typing and writing. I’m less stream of consciousness when I write longhand. If I want to get my thoughts down, typing is it for me. Except for a brief stint in 2014, Morning Pages have been typed. Doing them in google docs means it’s searchable, too. I’ve misplaced the docs from 2004-2014. But I’ve got my 2015-2025 records. Except for times when I didn’t do it – things get spotty starting in 2021.
With the docs being searchable, it means I can go back and reflect on where I was at and what I was thinking about at certain points in time. And today, I went back and read entries on this date/around my birthday.
And man. There are PATTERNS. I tend to reset my intentions around my birthday. I beat myself up about not finishing work. I talk about being scared of making submissions and failing. I worry about money and work. And I often use my birthday as a preview for the coming year.
Like, in 2023 I spent my birthday at a fancy hotel, which was a preview for me moving to a nicer apartment. I talked about my weight, how unhappy I was, how writing made me happy. That’s a theme, I remind myself this time of year how much I love to write.
2024? I lived in midtown in a hotel room with a kitchen and washer/dryer, went to class at the Magnet for the week, and cooked every meal I had. That included switching to eating yogurt every day for breakfast. And me writing resignation letters and finishing my fantasy novel. This was a preview for the coming year, of focusing on chores and personal growth. And not working. Getting laid off really was a gift, because of the severance. And also, in hindsight, it was a preview for my time in New Haven. I had no idea at the time that was coming. Yet, of course it was. I got ready. And I got where I needed to be.
And this year? I’m going to try and live in my healthy patterns and break the unhealthy ones. I thought I’d be ready to try a birthday party this year. I’m not. But celebrating and being happy? Yes, for sure. I want to stop lamenting the same things. I do want to set my intentions, too. But I want to try thinking bigger. Like, if I set my intentions and meet them – what would it look like if I approached this from a place of confidence and abundance, instead of worry and nail biting and metaphorically holding my hat and saying, “gosh universe, please pick me.”
Surrendering, but with a smile, as another word for grand acceptance, of falling backward into the water as the sun beams down.
What would that be like? And one year from now, see where I landed. Did I end up in a yurt? On the streets? On a talk show? With places in Connecticut and North Carolina and Washington and regular trips from Brooklyn to New Haven and Greenville and Seattle?
What would it be like to surrender to my joy and confidence this year? To think BIG for once. Real big?
Let’s set that intention starting right now.