It’s not that everyone lies. It’s that, some of us live in cultures that want us to lie, that teach us to lie, that require lying to be socially acceptable in order for powerful people to function.
And sometimes, people lie in the face of that sociopathy to protect themselves. But it’s not a requirement for being human, it’s a cultural choice that we can individually accept or reject.
And to reject this condition of our culture in the U.S. is powerful, and dangerous. But also quite necessary.
In the U.S., one of our simplest lies, the one we teach everyone as they navigate people outside your family, is the question, “how are you doing?”
The correct answer is to say, “I’m fine,” or, “I’m great, how are you?” no matter how you feel. And if you lie on that moment, you’re accepting lying and disconnection as an every day thing. And if someone tells the truth? And the receiver gets upset? They’ve learned to crave the lie, because they want deception and disconnection.
Sometimes we say the simple thing, “I’m not great.” And that’s a lie of omission because we’re leaving out the reason.
And we leave out the reason because we don’t know if the person asking wants to know. We wait for the second question, “oh no, tell me what’s wrong?” Or the response, “that’s sad. Well, see you later.”
And we’re navigating the world this way, and disconnecting and lying as a social norm – and no one can point to where this started or how or why we started doing this. Because the lie begins if we ask the question but don’t want to know the answer.
I realized this in my late teens. And ever since then, when I ask the question, I mean it. I want to know, and I want to connect.
But only if the other person wants me to know and wants to connect.
And even with my dysfunctions and healings, this one thing turned out to be the root of change for me.
And I’ve been quite wary of anyone who says, “everyone lies” ever since. And I can usually tell when they do.
When I ask how are you, and you’re great, I want to know why as much as if someone is sad or angry or anything.
Because to me, a beautiful gift of being human is our connection to each other.
I may not be able to listen to a long story always. If I can’t, I’ll say why and try to connect later.
But it’s a gift, to share and care and connect, and it’s a beauty of being human. If only to let someone else see the truth, even for a moment, that we’re all in this together.
The truth is a gift.