This week was another one of epiphanies and changes. But it was strange for me. I’ve felt for a while like I’ve been in moments that are recaps and tests of past lessons in my life. I’m not always noticing or even passing the tests. Some I do. But others are where I’m making mistakes or regressing with my behaviors.
The difference being that for what feels like the first time in my life, I notice the mistake or the regression right away. And I don’t beat myself up about it. I just know what to do next time. Sometimes I’m noticing so close to things that I’m able to get ahold of myself right away.
That was last night for me. I hadn’t been to a huge party in years. Being around a lot of people, and being myself, that was new. And old. I think last night was the first big party I can remember where I was comfortable the whole night. I was able to make small talk, too. I think. And have some deeper moments.
Small, fun talk used to be tough for me. I felt misunderstood and lonely as a kid, so, if it felt like I was connecting to someone deeply, I’d overshare. Big time. I noticed I was doing this in my teens, and developed something I used to think of as superficial charm. But that was a mistake. A pretty judgemental one, too. What I thought of as superficial charm was just having nice, fun, light conversations with people. When other people did that, I thought it was great. But I thought I was being shallow—which meant I was probably judging other people that way somewhere. It’s unkind in my view. And a mistake to see people, including myself, that way.
Those ‘deep’ connections were sometimes me oversharing. And that can be overwhelming and painful for some people.
I tell stories, and I can even structure them on the fly. These days, I do it unconsciously. I noticed this yesterday when I was writing. I did a timed exercise and wrote a short story. I realized on the subway home last night that it was the first literary short story I’d written in decades. The first draft needs work, but, the structure is already there. I do this when I tell people about stuff, too. I think it’s all the improv and sketch comedy I’ve done and still do. Improv by its nature is always a first draft. I write faster now than I did before, too.
Posts like this are also first drafts. I may go back and edit it for typos and spelling. But it’s learning improv and having the ability to type fast, even with my thumbs, that lets me do this.
So I sometimes tell a complete story on the fly—and it can become oversharing if I’m not careful. Trapping someone in a shaggy dog moment. And if I do that, I’m repeating a past mistake and behavior I’ve grown out of. A couple of people got hit with me doing that, I think. I don’t know if they noticed, but I did. So I worked on it last night. Being sober for the party helped a lot. In fact, as I’m saying this, I think it’s the first time I was at a big social gathering of that size sober in a long time. And I know it’s the first time I’ve been at something like that after healing.
It was nice. I’ve never had social anxiety at parties really. I used to put on a mask, to manage my stress. Sometimes it would get exhausting so I’d have to take a time out alone somewhere.
I didn’t do that last night. It was easy to spend time with so many lovely people. Just being my real, vulnerable, weird self. But healed and complete for the first time. And using my new tools and skills to catch myself, if not right away, at least quick enough to notice the mistakes and relax.
The only reason I felt tired last night was that I’d been up since five am and walked a lot yesterday. I woke up today exhausted, and instead of doing art stuff, I took a six hour nap. When I woke up, I thought maybe I was mentally exhausted from the party or all the writing yesterday. But I realized, no, I think it was just normal sleepiness from being up about 18 hours and only sleeping five and walking so much.
It’s really sinking in. The CBT and Art Therapy and ART work and all of it worked for me. And the work continues. But it’s time for the next chapter. And I’m already in it. I think I’ve said this before, the last big story of my life ended a while ago. I’ve already been in the new story.
As we grow, we change, and sometimes people reenter our lives, and others exit, and it’s all good.
The kids are alright.