I have an app to track bowel movements, something easier to do on a phone than with pen and paper, and helpful when you’re working with doctors to manage ulceritive colitis and crohn’s disease. It’s gross. And it hurts. But you can also get little reminders about improvements, and why you’re so tired. This number, […]
I think my Mom and Dad both had levels of emotional immaturity, because of abuse and trauma they suffered as children. Mom’s was almost otherwordly. Dad’s was so ordinary and American that people still suffer the same things and think it’s normal. They both grew up around people who didn’t conceptualize mental health, and stigmatized […]
One way that narcissists behave is to cancel plans at the last minute, as a form of control. People with chronic illnesses also sometimes cancel plans at the last minute, but it’s usually for the opposite reason. Your body is out of control, you want to spend time with people, you want to feel normal, […]
I learned to feel safe by caring for others. I couldn’t take feeling in danger, I hurt myself, and then I learned to find a space inside me where I felt safe even if there was no safety around me. I didn’t fully trust the safety at home, because I believed it would fall apart […]
A lot of people have had far too many skeptics in their life. Which can drive some to seek sycophants. But both folks are bad for you because they’re dishonest. What we need are honest people who see us and allow us to be vulnerable. Which then helps us cultivate the same in ourselves as […]
I saw a little kid, screaming at the top of their lungs today, “my best friend is an immigrant! You can’t take them away!” over and over again. I took a few pictures today, but not of little kids. Just this one because you can’t see their face. I just wish you could’ve seen it. […]
A simple truth of life is that we all influence and shape it, through our actions and choices. This is what karma means, not a ledger of good and bad deeds, with rewards and punishments dolled out, rather, the collective effect of every choice we all make. And by all, I mean all, not just […]
I just woke up, and am feeling off. But I realized something. I’ve been holding on to an old identity, and all the trappings and familiar comforts that come with it. And it’s time to let that go and just be myself. The easiest way to explain it is if I focus on writing, and […]
My last memory of Israel is from nearly 20 years ago. The intifada had ceased roughly six months before, and there was a weary, hopeful peace. That’s what I felt. I went to a few places, including places I probably shouldn’t have gone. But the memory that sticks out is a falafel place on the […]
I release fixing my weaknesses, I embrace building my strengths. It’s time to escape the trap of the amateur for the last time. Please help me release this physical pain. I woke up, and felt a twinge of pain, and suddenly I’m writing this down. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just know […]
I’ve done like I said I’d do a year ago. I found my community. I spent time making sure to heal, from a lifetime of hurts. Now, I’m looking to connect. Every prediction people make is a kind of fantasy. Even if your fantasy comes true, it only becomes real when it happens. I’m doing […]
There’s plenty of people who are around to tell you how to feel about things, how to behave, and how they’ll judge you. Are there enough people who can just hold space for themselves and others and accept? Are there enough people yet who understand the meaning of, “justice is love made public?” I already […]
My community, the place where I feel seen and safe, is writers. My alignment, the people I feel challenged and inspired by, who I also spark, are harder to describe. I’m still looking for the words. Peace walkers. Kind talkers. The ones who talk to the wind so much that the idea of threats just […]
The future me is going to own a large house, possibly an apartment building. The rooms are there for artists who need retreats. Mostly writers. The retreats can be for a few weeks or a few years. A garden. A communal space. Lots of quiet. It should feel like Rivendell, if it was a real […]
In December 2023, I was in year 5 of my CPTSD therapy. I weighed 361 pounds. I’d been diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I had trapped myself in a miserable story of self-destruction. And worse? I spread the misery around me. I needed to change my story. I read everything I could find about what happens to […]
As a child, I always wanted to go to art museums and see paintings on the walls at home. That stayed with me, quietly, my whole life. About 15 years ago I started to collect art. About 75% of it never made it up on my walls. And I didn’t think of it as a […]
In 1983 …My 9th birthday was the 1st week of July.My sister’s funeral was a week later. July 22, 1983. Friday. I started work. This was my parent’s way for them to keep an eye on me, and also to do what they knew, to use work to distract from feeling bad. For two years, […]
I write morning pages on my computer, and since 2015 on google drive. I started in 2003, introduced to this practice by my mentor in Seattle. I mostly did this on Microsoft Word, sometimes on plain text apps. The typing was because of the mindbody connection for me with typing and writing. I’m less stream […]